I walked for days upon months,

Only to suddenly find myself back where I began.

And all my solutions

Are my problems

And when you cant find the strength in you

To find your way out of the labrynth again

What can you do

But attribute your life to her

And hate her all the more for it

I turn to you

But your load is heavy

You try but you cant

As much as you might

I try as much as I wish I possibly could

But these tears wont stop falling

And I cant see the light

I know I know

Im lucky,

I know

I have everything

All the love

All the friends

All the money in the world

I know, I know

But I stumbled

And I fell

And I found myself back here

And I don’t know how much longer I can wake up

In this hell

Rubbing the dislodged sticker on the lighter she rolled her thumb backwards and forwards over it, all the while staring into space. Every so often a heaviness, a swelling - almost - of emotion would rise up in the ball of her throat ,and make its way up, through her mouth as a groan, to her nose as a deep inhale and through her eyes as tear drops she no longer noticed.

Helpless. That’s what she was. Helpless. Its crazy, she pondered, how one week, one day, one minute could change everything. Could take you from sitting comfortably atop the highest cloud, to smack bang crash landing on the floor in a heap of broken bones, limbs careening in every direction.

She wasn’t in the wrong, she knew that. But she also knew very well that opinions are exactly that. She could never put together his version of events. Only the version that had ripped her to shreds and left her in this ridiculous position.

She should have brushed it aside and gone on with her life, just as he had. But she didn’t want to. It was strange, despite having built up the ability to take control into her own hands – she didn’t want to. She wanted to give it to him – as long as it meant he would come back to her.

Typing his password into his private accounts she balked at just how quickly things could change. He had once been trusting, and loving and… guilty enough to give her access. Now the contents and communications he had in his private accounts were all she could know of him.

Anger rose up as she recalled how she had been forgiving when he had committed way worse of a sin. Calmly and maturely she had listened to his side of the story, made sure he understood it couldn’t happen again, then allowed her spirit to seep back into her body and through her eyes – the ones he had moments ago been beseeching of their emptiness.

But she knew she could never put together his version of events. And so she fiddled with the lighter, using it to ignite the only thing that could calm her mind.

Guilt

It eats away at you,
the guilt.

When you're so used to doing nothing wrong,
you misplace your defence mechanisms.
The ones that make you strong.
When you're so used to doing only right,
you misplace the fight.

It eats away at you,
the feeling,
the one that reminds you where you should be.
What you should be doing.

It feels like I've misplaced it all.
But really its just the guilt,
making me feel like I've lost my mind.

And finders, keepers.

Family Values.

I just saw something no one should ever have to see.
Broken hearts and bleeding faces.

Piecing together a story I should have been there for myself to see.
And away I escape,
while they're left picking up the pieces.

But there are parts they'll never find.
A broken heart that may very well have been mine.
A broken heart that has been breaking for time,
but I was too busy seeing all the things you didn't do right.

And all the things you didn't do right,
came spewing from your mouth like a hose out a sewer,
that couldn't be turned right.

And all the rights you could have taken,
but you chose to go left.

And I saw the care in the eyes of the man that loved you,
but couldn't anymore.
Couldn't because you didn't love yourself,
you loved him more.

And the questions you slurred out your downturned lips,
the scar on your eyebrow that will signify forever
the night you told the truth.

The night we sat sobbing around you
while you not so calmy said you wanted to die.
And when locking yourself in the bathroom
I actually feared your demise
I realised you truly are sick.

I'm weak
you sobbed.
I can't think of a better word that fits.

All my worst fears are personified in you.
You are the be all and end all of all the things
I never want to be.

And that makes me so sad.

My heart split in two
half went out to him,
half to you.

Then shattered onto the floor,
along with the other three.
For you all to sweep up,
while I drive away,
home.

Not Much Else.

I write about what makes me tick,
What makes me beat or blink faster.

I write about what gets under my skin,
What I let willingly or unwillingly in.

I write about what gets me excited,
What builds or breaks me...
ignited.

So when I all I can write about is you,
Its really no wonder.

The Right One

And I feel like breaking our silence just to let you know - someone is finally appreciating me, in all the ways you never did.

so be

And sometimes you need someone to say its okay,
before you start to believe it is.

Someone to pat you on the back,
give you the thumbs up,
for you to believe in yourself.

I still don't feel it.
I know you tell me I'm good,
but I still don't believe it.

I'm just pouring the words out,
straight from my mind and onto the page.

All the ones i tried, but failed to suffocate.
And I tried, but failed, to replicate
All the ways you made yourself at home on your page.

And I tried, but failed,
to stop myself from feeling the envy.

I wonder if people feel for me how I feel about them.

So caught in my mind its all I can talk about,
how I feel.

I think more than I think i think.
I thought about what I felt and it didn't make sense.

I think more than you think I think.
I felt about and stumbled on to you,
and it made perfect sense.

I'm just babbling,
I've felt such an urge to write.
Such an urge to speak out loud
but this is the only way I might.

And when I take flight it seems no one will be there to catch me,
bar myself,
thats the way it should be.

How many times did you tell yourself not to love me?
I wonder if it was enough to stop the envy.

I wonder if people think the way I think.
If only you could hop, skip and jump,
if only for a moment
into other minds.

I wonder if you'd find them as tiring as you found your own..
If you'd swap their problems back for yours,
after all,
they are your home.

After all,
there's nowhere else to go.
Make your bed, and lie in it.
You'll always be alone
in your own mind.