Guilt

It eats away at you,
the guilt.

When you're so used to doing nothing wrong,
you misplace your defence mechanisms.
The ones that make you strong.
When you're so used to doing only right,
you misplace the fight.

It eats away at you,
the feeling,
the one that reminds you where you should be.
What you should be doing.

It feels like I've misplaced it all.
But really its just the guilt,
making me feel like I've lost my mind.

And finders, keepers.

Family Values.

I just saw something no one should ever have to see.
Broken hearts and bleeding faces.

Piecing together a story I should have been there for myself to see.
And away I escape,
while they're left picking up the pieces.

But there are parts they'll never find.
A broken heart that may very well have been mine.
A broken heart that has been breaking for time,
but I was too busy seeing all the things you didn't do right.

And all the things you didn't do right,
came spewing from your mouth like a hose out a sewer,
that couldn't be turned right.

And all the rights you could have taken,
but you chose to go left.

And I saw the care in the eyes of the man that loved you,
but couldn't anymore.
Couldn't because you didn't love yourself,
you loved him more.

And the questions you slurred out your downturned lips,
the scar on your eyebrow that will signify forever
the night you told the truth.

The night we sat sobbing around you
while you not so calmy said you wanted to die.
And when locking yourself in the bathroom
I actually feared your demise
I realised you truly are sick.

I'm weak
you sobbed.
I can't think of a better word that fits.

All my worst fears are personified in you.
You are the be all and end all of all the things
I never want to be.

And that makes me so sad.

My heart split in two
half went out to him,
half to you.

Then shattered onto the floor,
along with the other three.
For you all to sweep up,
while I drive away,
home.

Not Much Else.

I write about what makes me tick,
What makes me beat or blink faster.

I write about what gets under my skin,
What I let willingly or unwillingly in.

I write about what gets me excited,
What builds or breaks me...
ignited.

So when I all I can write about is you,
Its really no wonder.

The Right One

And I feel like breaking our silence just to let you know - someone is finally appreciating me, in all the ways you never did.

so be

And sometimes you need someone to say its okay,
before you start to believe it is.

Someone to pat you on the back,
give you the thumbs up,
for you to believe in yourself.

I still don't feel it.
I know you tell me I'm good,
but I still don't believe it.

I'm just pouring the words out,
straight from my mind and onto the page.

All the ones i tried, but failed to suffocate.
And I tried, but failed, to replicate
All the ways you made yourself at home on your page.

And I tried, but failed,
to stop myself from feeling the envy.

I wonder if people feel for me how I feel about them.

So caught in my mind its all I can talk about,
how I feel.

I think more than I think i think.
I thought about what I felt and it didn't make sense.

I think more than you think I think.
I felt about and stumbled on to you,
and it made perfect sense.

I'm just babbling,
I've felt such an urge to write.
Such an urge to speak out loud
but this is the only way I might.

And when I take flight it seems no one will be there to catch me,
bar myself,
thats the way it should be.

How many times did you tell yourself not to love me?
I wonder if it was enough to stop the envy.

I wonder if people think the way I think.
If only you could hop, skip and jump,
if only for a moment
into other minds.

I wonder if you'd find them as tiring as you found your own..
If you'd swap their problems back for yours,
after all,
they are your home.

After all,
there's nowhere else to go.
Make your bed, and lie in it.
You'll always be alone
in your own mind.

Please give me some prompts on what to write about, I want to try something different.

While I'm here I just want to say thank you to all of you for continuing to read and support and for your words of encouragement. Can't tell you how much it means to me :) - Thank you.

xo

How thing's change.

I remember once,
not too long ago -
I gazed awe struck at the way in which people would caress each other,
confused.

I didn't understand how the space between two people,
miraculously became no space at all...
How the individuals wanted it to be that way.

I understand perfectly now.
What doesn't make sense,
is being any other way.

I can't stop touching you,
Can't get enough of your hands on me.

I can't stop kissing you.
It makes less sense that there could be a you
without me.

And the space between us stretches and retracts,
Its no space at all.

And I can't believe once upon a time -
not too long ago,
I wouldn't have been able to fathom this at all.