Which One's Which?

As I walk down the busy road, the rational and irrational are having a war in my head.
Its so nice to care.
but it is kind of so much easier when you don’t.
so nice to feel that flutter in your stomach.
But it kind of makes me feel nauseous.
So nice to smile randomly, uncontrollably.
So nice to have someone I want to talk to.
But it kind of drives me crazy checking my phone so often.
And it kind of makes me feel…
and that’s the thing,
im not too sure how it makes me feel.
I want to say scared.
I want to say it makes me feel terrified.
But its so nice to feel that feeling,
to actually care what someone thinks of you.
to actually want and feel and…
care.
I keep coming back to that word because, I feel I haven’t in so long.
Cared that is.
I never care.
not enough.
Its like I ran out,
I gave it all,
every single last shred of care that I could ever possibly conceive myself to give.
Enough to even forget that I deserved any of it.
Im definitely in trouble.
Is this life?
If love does exist,
(and the jury is still out on that one),
if love does exist,
what makes it be the irrational?
Maybe it isn’t.
maybe what is irrational is making yourself,
no,
I take that back,
maybe what is irrational is, believing that love doesn’t exist.
As I walk into the empty house the rational and irrational are having a war in my head.
I’m just not so sure which one’s which.

Photography: Muzi.