The Irony Of It All.

If you are happy, what would encourage you to go forward? To try harder? Happiness is counterproductive. I no longer have it to strive for, only to cling to, in fear of losing it. Years have passed, tears have flowed, and I am finally where I am now. On top of the world. And now, I am finding myself making excuses, shrinking back. Almost afraid to take those steps. That question, the ‘what do you have to lose?’ it doesn’t apply anymore. I have a lot to lose – all that I’ve been striving up until now, to gain.

Morality Wavers.

She averts her eyes and shakes her head side to side, as if trying to knock some sense into herself. As if trying to convince herself that what she sees, what she feels, aren’t real. And the thought keeps circulating in her head, is this what she really wants, or is it just the taste of the forbidden fruit, the pressure of the stolen touches which are tempting her, keeping her addicted to the pounding heart rate and the lump in her throat. No one had ever touched her like that, in the exact right places, with the exact right force. Perfect chemistry. Her conscience was speaking to her, reminding her that this was not where her loyalties should lie. But too often when faced between what you want to do, and what you should do, the devil wins. She closes her eyes and tilts her head forward, as if beckoning. And the devil wins.

Theme Music.

The only way to have privacy these days is for everyone to know everything about you.
That way you have nothing to hide.

Try As You May.

As I get older im finding it harder and harder to connect. With this greater understanding of how I can never be yours, and you can never be mine, it just doesn’t seem to make sense. I once read that although we may live, act on and react upon other people, always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. And ofcourse we are. Although I can try and explain to you the inner workings of my mind, you will never understand. Although you may try hug me as tight as possible, trying to pull me into you, I will never fit. And yet we try so hard, human beings as a race. We try so hard. It is what we strive towards, what they tell us is the end goal. And so we try so hard, for something that is, unattainable.

.

I care even when I don’t care, that’s how starved I am of caring.

Its About That Time.

At what point do you put down your ego and think okay fine, maybe this IS my fault? At what point do you put your pride aside and think okay fine, maybe I DO need to make some adjustments? Change is inevitable, change is good, I know this. Everything is temporary. So maybe the mind frame I’m in now, the one I’ve been in for a while now, maybe that’s temporary too. Maybe I don’t need so very many walls around me. Maybe I can let my guard down a bit, stop snapping back. Stop with my quick retorts for every compliment, every comment. Aiming to displease. If you can get past this obstacle course, I’m the prize I’m dangling at the end. Who do I think I am?

Sole-Mate

Never invent a person in your head, you will obviously be disappointed when you eventually meet whoever you think they correspond to. And honestly I'm tired of trying to decipher who that person is, and feeling guilty when I don’t get it quite right. How can you start with no preconceptions, or hopes for how a person will be though? Is it even possible?

Stolen.

Her head bowed, she focused on keeping the tears out of her eyes, as long as she could do that, she thought to herself, everything would be okay, he wouldn’t die. God would see the effort she was making, and give him a few more breaths, enough to last an eternity. That was the only option as far as she could see, how could she live without him? There was no way. You know when you meet that person… the one you know every single thing about? You know, when you meet that person… the one who’s front moulds so perfectly around your back when your sleeping? No? well, neither did she. You killed him before he could become that.

Miss - Conception.

So much of life is misconceptions. Assumptions that were never clarified. And people just live on, assuming.

Enough.

I would love someone to make me question this newly acquired independence of mine. Make me want to give it up. Throw me against the wall. Make me want to succumb. I know you have it in you. I know theres someone out there who can make me believe. Make me complacent. I will fight you with every ounce of me. But please just try. Make me give in. My headstrong head, its becoming too heavy now, too strong.

Photography by: Sebastiano Pitruzzello

Smile Junkie.

I think there are two kinds of people. The first kind, appreciate what good is in their lives. Not to say the second kind doesn’t, but, that is enough for them. They store away the good memories like they would store fat for the winter. The second kind, they just want more. More, more, more. When something amazing happens, they are beyond happy, of course. But all they can think about is the fact that it will end, and question when will it happen again? Next fix, next fix, all the time.

Untouchable.

I have had the best day of my life. Pure unfiltered, unaltered fun. And the smiles on the hundreds of faces around me prove I’m far from being the only one. Theres something about music that feeds you, fills something deep inside you. and I love it. Its enough sometimes to make me want to cry, that feeling you get of pure bliss, completely untouchable. And I jump, and ooze swagger out of my Nike trainers. And I feel it flow through me, high up. Please don’t talk to me now. I am part of this beat that is shaking the floor and your inhibitions. You cant touch me now. Theres nothing that can take it away. And once the music stops, you are left with the ringing in your ears, and the memory of the best day ever.

Wish Upon Wish.

I often make up whole scenarios in my head, of conversations I wish to have, and things I wish to do. One of the things I wish for hardest, is that I’d somehow stop wishing, and somehow actually execute.

Stereotypically So.

And the stereotype of the girl is so annoying for those who don’t fit into it. No, I do not want anything from you. No, I will not shackle you. No, I do not want anything from you. You don’t know what your running from. But you assumed, and you ran. And now we are both left wanting.